1) Peeing with a hard-on is...well, hard...
2) Peeing into the bath with a hard-on is easy...
3) Doing 2) while acrobatically keeping yourself balanced to direct the stream at the plughole and toeing the door shut to keep the Missus out while she screams a torrent of abuse about My inability to get out the bed without waking her up is quite an achievement
4) Women dont like being woken up early
5) Not even for sex
6) Even if woken up by Me going down on her
7) Stubble rash on a Man's face is stupidly hard to explain without bursting out laughing
8) I can't get out the door in the morning without checking My hair
9) This is ridiculous
10) I have no hair to check as I went to the barber's a week ago
11) I make really good curry
12) It lets a Man or a Woman kill people with the ensuing gases
13) Being farted at while entertaining the Missus with My tongue makes her giggle
14) It makes My eyes water
15) A woman doing that to a Man is sure-fire mood-killer
Its all I can type right now... laughing too hard...
Tynian
Friday, 31 October 2008
Sunday, 12 October 2008
Friday, 10 October 2008
Women...
I have realised something this week... call it an epiphany, which is weird in itself... epiphany's are a christian and catholic thing and I aint either... but I digress
So My epiphany...
I love the fact that pretty much every woman in My life that aint part of My hellish spawn I call FAMILY will pretty much bend over when I ask them too... which is good...
But the revelation is this...
I
HATE
WOMEN!!!
and it comes down to a few salient points which I am sure every woman I know will TRY and defend but they cant, and every man who reads this will agree with Me...
So, chief amongst My complaints is this...
A woman's emotions are not predictable... due to any number of reasons (mainly menstruation) a woman will change her emotion almost hourly for the hell of it...
If her emotions have remained constant for more than an hour, she WILL change them to something else for no apparent reason except spite...
Women, without exception, mastered spitefulness at an early age and continue to practice this art for no reason whatsoever
Some strange act of science allows a woman to take up more space the bigger the bed... if it is a single, you will fit in comfortably, both of you... if its a queen size bed, get a chair to perch your ass on as she takes up 90% of the bed... this effect is multiplied the smaller the woman...
Women ALWAYS ask the 'does My ass look big in this?' question... I resolve from this day on to answer the same... Yes, it looks fuckin huge, but it aint the dress... maybe your love of fried chicken...... Women will hate your answer no matter what it is... might as well speak the damned truth...
No matter which way you look at it, Women withold sex to blackmail us... they also cry to emotionally blackmail us... crying is blackmail, blackmail is cheating... to get an idea of how much I hate cheating, watch Me on a sunday as I support England at football...
Women have not yet mastered the art of 'yes' and 'no' answers to questions... any question can be answered with yes and no...
If I ask what's wrong, and you say "nothing", I'll act like nothing's wrong. I know you're lying -- it's just not worth the hassle to dig it out of you. So if you have something to say, just say it!
When it itches, it will be scratched. Live with it.
All men see in about 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color. And life is easier if you bunch all those "eggshell" colors into "pretty much white."
Ogling is genetic in males. It doesn't mean we love you less. As an old friend used to say, "It doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home." Just be glad we have an appetite, OK?
This list is endless... I will finish it later...
Tynian
So My epiphany...
I love the fact that pretty much every woman in My life that aint part of My hellish spawn I call FAMILY will pretty much bend over when I ask them too... which is good...
But the revelation is this...
I
HATE
WOMEN!!!
and it comes down to a few salient points which I am sure every woman I know will TRY and defend but they cant, and every man who reads this will agree with Me...
So, chief amongst My complaints is this...
A woman's emotions are not predictable... due to any number of reasons (mainly menstruation) a woman will change her emotion almost hourly for the hell of it...
If her emotions have remained constant for more than an hour, she WILL change them to something else for no apparent reason except spite...
Women, without exception, mastered spitefulness at an early age and continue to practice this art for no reason whatsoever
Some strange act of science allows a woman to take up more space the bigger the bed... if it is a single, you will fit in comfortably, both of you... if its a queen size bed, get a chair to perch your ass on as she takes up 90% of the bed... this effect is multiplied the smaller the woman...
Women ALWAYS ask the 'does My ass look big in this?' question... I resolve from this day on to answer the same... Yes, it looks fuckin huge, but it aint the dress... maybe your love of fried chicken...... Women will hate your answer no matter what it is... might as well speak the damned truth...
No matter which way you look at it, Women withold sex to blackmail us... they also cry to emotionally blackmail us... crying is blackmail, blackmail is cheating... to get an idea of how much I hate cheating, watch Me on a sunday as I support England at football...
Women have not yet mastered the art of 'yes' and 'no' answers to questions... any question can be answered with yes and no...
If I ask what's wrong, and you say "nothing", I'll act like nothing's wrong. I know you're lying -- it's just not worth the hassle to dig it out of you. So if you have something to say, just say it!
When it itches, it will be scratched. Live with it.
All men see in about 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color. And life is easier if you bunch all those "eggshell" colors into "pretty much white."
Ogling is genetic in males. It doesn't mean we love you less. As an old friend used to say, "It doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home." Just be glad we have an appetite, OK?
This list is endless... I will finish it later...
Tynian
Friday, 19 September 2008
My list...
You see, having never done one of these before, it will not be anywhere near as good as the class of Kaylen's, but hell, lets have a go...
1) No person can eat a full LARGE tub of Ben & Jerry's without feeling sick...
2) It is not wise to try and fulfil a dare to eat 2 large tubs of Ben & Jerry's
3) Projectile vomiting Fossil Fuel flavour Ben & Jerry's leaves really interesting patterns on a red wall
4) Women do not like being woken up before 11am in the morning unless you bear one of the following: coffee, bacon sandwich or chocolate
5) Dont wake up the woman before 11am... she gets revenge by trying to make you do chores... noisy day
6) Stubbing your toe at 3 am on a door REALLY hurts
7) Limping all day from a stubbed toe does not make you look heroic
8) Never tell your workmates your limping from a stubbed toe, make up something heroic sounding like your foot got run over by a cab driver
9) Being laughed at by a girl is ego-killing
10) Telling a woman she snores is not appreciated news
11) A woman who knows she snores because of you telling her can be really vindictive in her ways to get revenge
12) Posters in your window of you as a baby naked are not welcomed by your devoutly Christian neighbours
13) It takes a long time to explain things to the police
14) Police piss Me the fuck off
15) Never piss off the Woman who feeds You, life gets hard when You do...
Another list will come along soon
1) No person can eat a full LARGE tub of Ben & Jerry's without feeling sick...
2) It is not wise to try and fulfil a dare to eat 2 large tubs of Ben & Jerry's
3) Projectile vomiting Fossil Fuel flavour Ben & Jerry's leaves really interesting patterns on a red wall
4) Women do not like being woken up before 11am in the morning unless you bear one of the following: coffee, bacon sandwich or chocolate
5) Dont wake up the woman before 11am... she gets revenge by trying to make you do chores... noisy day
6) Stubbing your toe at 3 am on a door REALLY hurts
7) Limping all day from a stubbed toe does not make you look heroic
8) Never tell your workmates your limping from a stubbed toe, make up something heroic sounding like your foot got run over by a cab driver
9) Being laughed at by a girl is ego-killing
10) Telling a woman she snores is not appreciated news
11) A woman who knows she snores because of you telling her can be really vindictive in her ways to get revenge
12) Posters in your window of you as a baby naked are not welcomed by your devoutly Christian neighbours
13) It takes a long time to explain things to the police
14) Police piss Me the fuck off
15) Never piss off the Woman who feeds You, life gets hard when You do...
Another list will come along soon
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
In honour of...
There is a site I used to visit... on there a guy wrote about all the things that pissed Him the fuck off...
I like this guy...
Guys Who "Know Karate"
Q: Which demographic group gets their asses kicked more than any other?
A: Young males who say they know karate.
While many people deserve to be punched in the face, nobody paints the target on themselves quite so distinctly as these guys. Some of them may in fact know some karate, most of them don't, but it hardly matters. Saying "I know karate" in a bar is the equivalent of saying "I'll be right back" in a horror movie. Bad things are about to happen to you. Next time you open your mouth, pour a drink in it instead.
Ambiguous Warning Shouts
Look out! Watch out! Heads up! What are you supposed to do when someone shouts one of these at you? Most people hunch over slightly and feebly raise their hands close to their head. Another common reaction is to turn directly towards the source of the warning, which, if this is also the source of the impending danger, is about the worst thing you could do. I propose instead a series of six generally accepted warning shouts: Stop! Run! Duck! Jump! Step left! Step right! Doesn’t that seem much more likely to save your life than HEADS UP? Even if you don’t know your left from your right, you still have a 50/50 chance, which I would say is better odds than you get from WATCH OUT!
Stories About Your Cat
There are slightly more cats in North America than there are children. And there are infinitely more owners' stories about their cats than there are audiences who give a damn. Since all cats do is sleep, eat, shit and attack things, there are very few possible permutations of cat story, and I guarantee I've heard them all a million times. I hate to tell you this, but your cats, just like your children, are neither unique nor interesting. If your cat discovers a new element and has MrBootstonium added to the periodic table, by all means let me know. But until then, keep your damn stories to yourself.
False Nudity Advisories
A less honest man could protest against these false alarms on the grounds that they needlessly discourage minors from watching what is in fact harmless or maybe even culturally enriching programming. I protest on the grounds that if I'm told there are going to be boobies, I want to see boobies. I sat through 2 hours of Lethal Weapon telling myself there was no way that "the following program contains scenes of nudity" could refer to a one-second shot of Mel Gibson's ass. Two hours of my life I'll never get back and at least two body-waxing questions I'll never get answered.
Huge Band-Aids
I picked up a variety pack of band-aids the other day thinking that various sizes of band-aids would be helpful in covering various sizes of cuts. Opening the box, I couldn't believe the size of the largest models. They must have been 4"x4". If you're even considering using a band-aid that big, get to a hospital - either a canon ball has ripped through your abdomen or an escaped gorilla has torn your arms off. You're going to die, and a band-aid won't help you.
Cat Poop
Who decided that cats are allowed to poop on my lawn? Dogs aren't allowed to. Dog owners are subject to leash bylaws and stoop and scoop bylaws. But the neighbourhood cats walk around wherever they want and leave their rotten smelling stool wherever they please. What kind of fecal double standard is that? Why the dog/cat dichotomy? More importantly, why does the cat have more privileges than I do? I'm not saying I want to crap on every lawn in the neighborhood, but I'd like to drop off a little something for that prick with the ten-billion watt stereo and I wouldn't mind hiding a little nugget in the grass for Mr. six-in-the-morning lawnmower. And when I'm done, I'm wiping my ass with your cat.
I will have to do a 'list' Nyxie and Kaylen stylee....
Read the rest at http://www.angryman.ca/rants.html
I like this guy...
Guys Who "Know Karate"
Q: Which demographic group gets their asses kicked more than any other?
A: Young males who say they know karate.
While many people deserve to be punched in the face, nobody paints the target on themselves quite so distinctly as these guys. Some of them may in fact know some karate, most of them don't, but it hardly matters. Saying "I know karate" in a bar is the equivalent of saying "I'll be right back" in a horror movie. Bad things are about to happen to you. Next time you open your mouth, pour a drink in it instead.
Ambiguous Warning Shouts
Look out! Watch out! Heads up! What are you supposed to do when someone shouts one of these at you? Most people hunch over slightly and feebly raise their hands close to their head. Another common reaction is to turn directly towards the source of the warning, which, if this is also the source of the impending danger, is about the worst thing you could do. I propose instead a series of six generally accepted warning shouts: Stop! Run! Duck! Jump! Step left! Step right! Doesn’t that seem much more likely to save your life than HEADS UP? Even if you don’t know your left from your right, you still have a 50/50 chance, which I would say is better odds than you get from WATCH OUT!
Stories About Your Cat
There are slightly more cats in North America than there are children. And there are infinitely more owners' stories about their cats than there are audiences who give a damn. Since all cats do is sleep, eat, shit and attack things, there are very few possible permutations of cat story, and I guarantee I've heard them all a million times. I hate to tell you this, but your cats, just like your children, are neither unique nor interesting. If your cat discovers a new element and has MrBootstonium added to the periodic table, by all means let me know. But until then, keep your damn stories to yourself.
False Nudity Advisories
A less honest man could protest against these false alarms on the grounds that they needlessly discourage minors from watching what is in fact harmless or maybe even culturally enriching programming. I protest on the grounds that if I'm told there are going to be boobies, I want to see boobies. I sat through 2 hours of Lethal Weapon telling myself there was no way that "the following program contains scenes of nudity" could refer to a one-second shot of Mel Gibson's ass. Two hours of my life I'll never get back and at least two body-waxing questions I'll never get answered.
Huge Band-Aids
I picked up a variety pack of band-aids the other day thinking that various sizes of band-aids would be helpful in covering various sizes of cuts. Opening the box, I couldn't believe the size of the largest models. They must have been 4"x4". If you're even considering using a band-aid that big, get to a hospital - either a canon ball has ripped through your abdomen or an escaped gorilla has torn your arms off. You're going to die, and a band-aid won't help you.
Cat Poop
Who decided that cats are allowed to poop on my lawn? Dogs aren't allowed to. Dog owners are subject to leash bylaws and stoop and scoop bylaws. But the neighbourhood cats walk around wherever they want and leave their rotten smelling stool wherever they please. What kind of fecal double standard is that? Why the dog/cat dichotomy? More importantly, why does the cat have more privileges than I do? I'm not saying I want to crap on every lawn in the neighborhood, but I'd like to drop off a little something for that prick with the ten-billion watt stereo and I wouldn't mind hiding a little nugget in the grass for Mr. six-in-the-morning lawnmower. And when I'm done, I'm wiping my ass with your cat.
I will have to do a 'list' Nyxie and Kaylen stylee....
Read the rest at http://www.angryman.ca/rants.html
Ow!!!
OK, so I have a hangover...
Anyone who has ever drunk mead in rl will know it does not take much... I got through 2 bottle plus other alcohol on top of it
Judging by My logs from earlier, I was pretty lucid so at least I didnt make an ass of Myself like I did last time...
Sam however remains unimpressed with Me getting pissed and is expressing her displeasure by snoring loudly
Got to go to work soon, I was just remarking in GPI how I have turned out better at passing on My knowledge to the new recruits than I am an EMT... and I am damn good at my job!
Tried finding Kitty tonight, she was not there, but I know she will see this, as she said she would subscribe lmao... Kitty, You lazy sod, idling for 5 hours.... sheesh....
-yawns-
I best be off... write later today...
Anyone who has ever drunk mead in rl will know it does not take much... I got through 2 bottle plus other alcohol on top of it
Judging by My logs from earlier, I was pretty lucid so at least I didnt make an ass of Myself like I did last time...
Sam however remains unimpressed with Me getting pissed and is expressing her displeasure by snoring loudly
Got to go to work soon, I was just remarking in GPI how I have turned out better at passing on My knowledge to the new recruits than I am an EMT... and I am damn good at my job!
Tried finding Kitty tonight, she was not there, but I know she will see this, as she said she would subscribe lmao... Kitty, You lazy sod, idling for 5 hours.... sheesh....
-yawns-
I best be off... write later today...
Tuesday, 16 September 2008
A resounding...Meh...
Well to be honest I never really expected crowds of cheering people lining the streets, partying My return to the lands of IRC Gor, but then with so few people actually fucking online(!) it does not really matter all so much.
As is somewhat usual, My (re)arrival back into Gor was greeted near immediately with gossipers and shit stirrers who shall remain nameless, all of which leads Me to believe nothing really serious happened in My abscence...
Takkar (bless His cottons), lost all traces of sanity (I first began thoughts along this track when He sold Me najah) by promoting Me within the Inn to SOP (&), and as yet, this has not been greeted with worldwide derision or gales of laughter so I have hopes it will go well.
Me and Kitty seem to have finally made up... this is good, I have one more person who I count as a Friend online... and Kitty has a wicked sense of humour... I may send her a present of some styrofoam cups...
najah got sent Home ill today (all those who see her, messages of well and the getting thereof will be noted)... Typical that Sod's law means I get back online, she is too ill to remain here...
-thinks for a moment-
I have never really had much luck with Free Companionships on Gor... most of them go what can only be described as 'tits up' in a fairly short amount of time, and more often than not, it is usually My fault because for lack of a better description, I lose interest... something about being in a relationship with someone means that they feel this bizarre need to share everything with You, even the little freaky bits that you really do NOT wanna see... I am guilty of it Myself... I hide all the bits of Myself I despise, the bits that make Me a complete bastard... I can be a completely ruthless fucker if I need to be, and it is with no small blessings for You all that I have not yet found a reason to be.
But unfortunantly, something has happened.
I let Myself grow close to someone... It rarely happens to Me, so far in My real life I have been blessed with the Lady Samantha (who knows all about Gor, loves it, treats You all like a story book that she reads (she doesnt, I fill her in with the gossip)), but in Gor it is rarer... it happened sometime before Easter and I grew close to someone... in fact, I tried to deny it was happening, I did not want to ruin what was turning out to be a damn good friendship with a Woman that, while being the complete opposite of Me in some regards, when We talked together in private and in channel, it was like I was one half of a jigsaw and she was the other... so many times She knew the line of humour I was about to come out with and said it for Me.... I digress...
Needless to say, I am...indifferent now....
Things have changed, perhaps irreparably and now I am left with the question...
Why bother?
As is somewhat usual, My (re)arrival back into Gor was greeted near immediately with gossipers and shit stirrers who shall remain nameless, all of which leads Me to believe nothing really serious happened in My abscence...
Takkar (bless His cottons), lost all traces of sanity (I first began thoughts along this track when He sold Me najah) by promoting Me within the Inn to SOP (&), and as yet, this has not been greeted with worldwide derision or gales of laughter so I have hopes it will go well.
Me and Kitty seem to have finally made up... this is good, I have one more person who I count as a Friend online... and Kitty has a wicked sense of humour... I may send her a present of some styrofoam cups...
najah got sent Home ill today (all those who see her, messages of well and the getting thereof will be noted)... Typical that Sod's law means I get back online, she is too ill to remain here...
-thinks for a moment-
I have never really had much luck with Free Companionships on Gor... most of them go what can only be described as 'tits up' in a fairly short amount of time, and more often than not, it is usually My fault because for lack of a better description, I lose interest... something about being in a relationship with someone means that they feel this bizarre need to share everything with You, even the little freaky bits that you really do NOT wanna see... I am guilty of it Myself... I hide all the bits of Myself I despise, the bits that make Me a complete bastard... I can be a completely ruthless fucker if I need to be, and it is with no small blessings for You all that I have not yet found a reason to be.
But unfortunantly, something has happened.
I let Myself grow close to someone... It rarely happens to Me, so far in My real life I have been blessed with the Lady Samantha (who knows all about Gor, loves it, treats You all like a story book that she reads (she doesnt, I fill her in with the gossip)), but in Gor it is rarer... it happened sometime before Easter and I grew close to someone... in fact, I tried to deny it was happening, I did not want to ruin what was turning out to be a damn good friendship with a Woman that, while being the complete opposite of Me in some regards, when We talked together in private and in channel, it was like I was one half of a jigsaw and she was the other... so many times She knew the line of humour I was about to come out with and said it for Me.... I digress...
Needless to say, I am...indifferent now....
Things have changed, perhaps irreparably and now I am left with the question...
Why bother?
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