Things you only do once...

Pat the dog tied up outside the newsagents
Who knew that Cerberus, the hound of Hades, was actually disguised as Gladstone, the slightly portly labrador belonging to the old man down the road who stands there while your hand is being chewed to a bloody stump assuring you that "he is only playing"

Speak to Jehovah's Witnesses 'for a laugh'
"So this eternal life, would I have to spend it talking to you?"

Remove a wart yourself
Only to be told a day later in hospital as you cradle an inflamed limb, that holding a swiss army knife to a flame for ten minutes and laying the business section of the morning paper down on the table does not constitute as a 'sterile enviroment'

Interfere in a drunk couple's arguement
You being a gentleman WILL end up coming across to the guy as a pass on his girl and no matter what you say it will come out as "why dont you leave this tosser and come home with Me?" which will see you being chased across a business park by Salford's own Bonnie & Clyde. Next time, do the REALLY gentlemanly thing, stare at the table, rip up a beer mat and pretend you didnt see that woman getting a backhander...

Order a vodka martini
The suave, sophisiticated James Bond fantasy is marred by the fact that it tastes like George Best's final catheter...

Put your card behind the bar
Bankruptcy anyone?

Shooting animals with an air rifle
Until, one dead cat later, your wracked by guilt, deep depression, quit your job, become a loner, work for free at the cats shelter while building a secret shrine to the dead moggy out of sticks and your own body hair... (Note: I did not kill a cat at anytime in My life... My friend has and suffered depression so bad He actually RUNS a cat shelter)

Stick your hand down a pocket on a pool table
"Look, the fire brigade cannot get here for another two hours, so if it hits the wrist and makes him scream, it counts as potted" Yes, it happened to me...

Offer to setup a non-technologically advanced friends computer
And explain that a wireless network will NOT cook their brains while they sleep...

Click wildy on "FREE" porno pages online
And wonder in what realm of hell you would EVER find that a turn on (unless your Nyxie)

Get your mates to bury you in sand
Up to the head as well, then have to blow furiously to scare away the dog peeing on you and watch the inrushing tide with dread as your mates had fucked off to buy a disposable camera...

Snort wasabi
"Duuuude!!! thats just like jackass!!" and you feel like a jack ass as it burns, makes your nose run and you will never again know the scent of a woman... or anything else for that matter (a cure for Pookie's smelly feet!)

Make a joke to airport security
"Have you anything to declare?"
"Yes, My relief that the hand grenades didnt explode"
One cavity search and stern look later, your fined 250 quid for wasting time and sentenced a month later in court to 200 hours community service... twat!

Hey Iggy!!!

First off, I am so badly heterosexual... no gay comments please...

but...

Chant
Oh Iggy You're so fine,
Youre so fine you blow my mind.
Hey Iggy (Huff Huff)
Hey Iggy (Huff Huff)
Oh Iggy Youre so Fine,
Youre so Fine You Blow My Mind
Hey Iggy (Huff Huff)
Hey Iggy

(Repeat)

Verse 1
Hey Iggy
Youve been around all night
and thats a little long,
You think you've got the right,
But I think youve got it wrong.
Why can't you say goodnight
So you can take me home Iggy,

Cause when You say you will
It always means you won't
Youre givin me the chills
baby, please baby don't
Every night you still leave me alone
Iggy.

Chorus
Oh Iggy what a pity you dont understand
You take me by the heart
You take me by the hand
Oh Iggy Youre so pretty
Cant you understand?
Its guys like you Iggy
Oh what you do Iggy
Do Iggy
Dont break my heart Iggy.

Verse 2
Now When you take me by the hooves
Everyone's gonna know
Everytime you move
I let a little More show
There's Something we can use
So dont say no Iggy!


So Come on and give it to me
Anyway you can
Anyway you want to do it
Ill treat you like a man
Oh Please, Baby Please
Dont leave me in a jam Iggy!

Drunkeness

So I went to watch an absolute genius at work last night, Lee Evans, a stand up comedian of the highest caliber...

I got semi-drunk while I was there and had to put up with dirty looks from the Missus... apparantly when I am drunk I am an embarrassment, fuck knows how, all I was doing was laughing at the show...

So with this in mind, I present, the list of things that annoy Me when drunk...

1) All straight lines are bent... only thing is, sober people can't see this, drunk people can...

2) Traffic cones are a legitimate and essential part of the drunk's dress code...

3) People look at you funnier (it may be funny, but I get funny looks already)

4) Doors and walls make really good conversationalists

5) Your keys become your worst enemy

6) Its quite sobering having to fish through the ONLY pile of something disturbingly icky on the entire road for your keys

7) Your front door has undergone a facechange, moved house and even changed its number...

8) Some really random guys in yellow jackets come and ask you questions

9) This is the only time calling yourself Mickey Mouse seems highly amusing and appropriate

10) They dont get this

11) They walk you to a strange front door

12) Your keys (your worst enemy) traitorously fit this front door

13) The door protests, quite loudly, at being opened

14) This wakes the Missus

15) You fall blissfully asleep in a heap on the stairs completely forgetting tomorrow you will be introduced to a new level of hell... the cold and frosty side where there is burnt food and unironed socks...

The Missus still loves Me just in case any of you care while your laughing at Me

Things I have realised - Part 1

1) Peeing with a hard-on is...well, hard...

2) Peeing into the bath with a hard-on is easy...

3) Doing 2) while acrobatically keeping yourself balanced to direct the stream at the plughole and toeing the door shut to keep the Missus out while she screams a torrent of abuse about My inability to get out the bed without waking her up is quite an achievement

4) Women dont like being woken up early

5) Not even for sex

6) Even if woken up by Me going down on her

7) Stubble rash on a Man's face is stupidly hard to explain without bursting out laughing

8) I can't get out the door in the morning without checking My hair

9) This is ridiculous

10) I have no hair to check as I went to the barber's a week ago

11) I make really good curry

12) It lets a Man or a Woman kill people with the ensuing gases

13) Being farted at while entertaining the Missus with My tongue makes her giggle

14) It makes My eyes water

15) A woman doing that to a Man is sure-fire mood-killer

Its all I can type right now... laughing too hard...

Tynian

woo!

Powered By Limousines For Rent

Women...

I have realised something this week... call it an epiphany, which is weird in itself... epiphany's are a christian and catholic thing and I aint either... but I digress

So My epiphany...

I love the fact that pretty much every woman in My life that aint part of My hellish spawn I call FAMILY will pretty much bend over when I ask them too... which is good...

But the revelation is this...

I

HATE

WOMEN!!!

and it comes down to a few salient points which I am sure every woman I know will TRY and defend but they cant, and every man who reads this will agree with Me...

So, chief amongst My complaints is this...

A woman's emotions are not predictable... due to any number of reasons (mainly menstruation) a woman will change her emotion almost hourly for the hell of it...
If her emotions have remained constant for more than an hour, she WILL change them to something else for no apparent reason except spite...

Women, without exception, mastered spitefulness at an early age and continue to practice this art for no reason whatsoever

Some strange act of science allows a woman to take up more space the bigger the bed... if it is a single, you will fit in comfortably, both of you... if its a queen size bed, get a chair to perch your ass on as she takes up 90% of the bed... this effect is multiplied the smaller the woman...

Women ALWAYS ask the 'does My ass look big in this?' question... I resolve from this day on to answer the same... Yes, it looks fuckin huge, but it aint the dress... maybe your love of fried chicken...... Women will hate your answer no matter what it is... might as well speak the damned truth...

No matter which way you look at it, Women withold sex to blackmail us... they also cry to emotionally blackmail us... crying is blackmail, blackmail is cheating... to get an idea of how much I hate cheating, watch Me on a sunday as I support England at football...

Women have not yet mastered the art of 'yes' and 'no' answers to questions... any question can be answered with yes and no...

If I ask what's wrong, and you say "nothing", I'll act like nothing's wrong. I know you're lying -- it's just not worth the hassle to dig it out of you. So if you have something to say, just say it!

When it itches, it will be scratched. Live with it.

All men see in about 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color. And life is easier if you bunch all those "eggshell" colors into "pretty much white."

Ogling is genetic in males. It doesn't mean we love you less. As an old friend used to say, "It doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home." Just be glad we have an appetite, OK?

This list is endless... I will finish it later...

Tynian

My list...

You see, having never done one of these before, it will not be anywhere near as good as the class of Kaylen's, but hell, lets have a go...

1) No person can eat a full LARGE tub of Ben & Jerry's without feeling sick...

2) It is not wise to try and fulfil a dare to eat 2 large tubs of Ben & Jerry's

3) Projectile vomiting Fossil Fuel flavour Ben & Jerry's leaves really interesting patterns on a red wall

4) Women do not like being woken up before 11am in the morning unless you bear one of the following: coffee, bacon sandwich or chocolate

5) Dont wake up the woman before 11am... she gets revenge by trying to make you do chores... noisy day

6) Stubbing your toe at 3 am on a door REALLY hurts

7) Limping all day from a stubbed toe does not make you look heroic

8) Never tell your workmates your limping from a stubbed toe, make up something heroic sounding like your foot got run over by a cab driver

9) Being laughed at by a girl is ego-killing

10) Telling a woman she snores is not appreciated news

11) A woman who knows she snores because of you telling her can be really vindictive in her ways to get revenge

12) Posters in your window of you as a baby naked are not welcomed by your devoutly Christian neighbours

13) It takes a long time to explain things to the police

14) Police piss Me the fuck off

15) Never piss off the Woman who feeds You, life gets hard when You do...


Another list will come along soon