And today's madness is...
Things I find inexplicably erotic...
European Television
No matter if it is the Italian version of Loose Women - the eroticism is palpable. Any minute now, someone is gonna mention how warm it is and that's it, blouses will come unbuttoned, melons will get wrangled and the one who looks like Jane Moore is gonna start spitting down Coleen Nolan's backside...
or maybe I just watched to darn much tv at an impressionable age...
Boarding a long-haul flight
Pack your bag; who knows what erotic adventures might await you? You'll probably be sat next to some Dina-Lohan-style cougar who'll touch your leg under the blanket... or... Oh God, it's a woman with a baby... oh, and a man with an abscess... great... just 9 more hours to go...
Photos of beaches in holiday brocures
Peer at them closely, and I do mean closely, and you can just make out about 300 topless women. Or 300 men in trunks...
Anything on poor quality VHS
Is the picture wobbling slightly? A bit of 'interference'? You just know, any minute now, it's gonna morph into some old blue movie that you ended up with... or a re-run of Noel Edmond's House Party from 1993
Hotel Rooms
Now, this is where the action happens! Hig class business men bringing back £3grand a night hookers to pour champers on their body then slurp it up. Also where a jet-lagged old salesman brought home a Big Mac meal before knocking one out to Shannon Tweed re-runs on channel 5.
Those dimples above her arse
Ergonomic grips as designed by the Almighty Himself
Cheetara from Thundercats
So what if it is a hybrid human-cat animated character from a dusty 1980's cartoon... See also, Lola, Bug's girlfriend in Space Jam and Jessica Rabbit
Being hungover
So you wake up, your boxers in the kebab box at the end of the bed, some munter on your arm your contemplating chewing it off to escape from her, yet here comes the inexplicableness... WHY WON'T IT GO AWAY!!!
Top Shop changing rooms
So, so many young women have stripped in that tiny 3ft box that the entire cubicle heaves with some residual 'sex memory', the naked ladies, admiring their reflections,jiggling their breasts... So much oestrogen held in those curtains it's a wonder you havent grown breasts to match other growths...
Hotel Maids
There solely to service your every whim. Done up in a pervy fetish uniform. Begging for it... As well as fuming about the brown holocaust you left in the bog, standing there in a Domestos spattered uniform working 18 hour shifts at £1.20 an hour, if you would only drop your pants, the tournament could begin.
Sitting over the wheel arch on a bus
The perfect commute having your balls gently massaged by the 143 as you idly look donw the top of the woman opposite, one seat in front. Just make sure your gaze doesnt idle to long on the bunch of teen girls just on the bus on the way to school... nothing like being chased from the bus to the cries of "NONCE!" to knock an erection on the head...
More shall follow..
Tynian
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
Sunday, 22 February 2009
Supershot Sunday
My week in photo's...
ok... so boring...
This is the racing-striped mouse
And this is Captain Fudge(y)
I bought Him for Sam, He keeps the spiders outta her bed... she left Him for Me when she flew to Guernsey..
He is snuggly...
He doesnt share My bed... He doesnt... really....
Tynian x
ok... so boring...
This is the racing-striped mouse
And this is Captain Fudge(y)I bought Him for Sam, He keeps the spiders outta her bed... she left Him for Me when she flew to Guernsey..
He is snuggly...
He doesnt share My bed... He doesnt... really....
Tynian x
Friday, 16 January 2009
Sunday, 14 December 2008
Things you only do once...
Pat the dog tied up outside the newsagents
Who knew that Cerberus, the hound of Hades, was actually disguised as Gladstone, the slightly portly labrador belonging to the old man down the road who stands there while your hand is being chewed to a bloody stump assuring you that "he is only playing"
Speak to Jehovah's Witnesses 'for a laugh'
"So this eternal life, would I have to spend it talking to you?"
Remove a wart yourself
Only to be told a day later in hospital as you cradle an inflamed limb, that holding a swiss army knife to a flame for ten minutes and laying the business section of the morning paper down on the table does not constitute as a 'sterile enviroment'
Interfere in a drunk couple's arguement
You being a gentleman WILL end up coming across to the guy as a pass on his girl and no matter what you say it will come out as "why dont you leave this tosser and come home with Me?" which will see you being chased across a business park by Salford's own Bonnie & Clyde. Next time, do the REALLY gentlemanly thing, stare at the table, rip up a beer mat and pretend you didnt see that woman getting a backhander...
Order a vodka martini
The suave, sophisiticated James Bond fantasy is marred by the fact that it tastes like George Best's final catheter...
Put your card behind the bar
Bankruptcy anyone?
Shooting animals with an air rifle
Until, one dead cat later, your wracked by guilt, deep depression, quit your job, become a loner, work for free at the cats shelter while building a secret shrine to the dead moggy out of sticks and your own body hair... (Note: I did not kill a cat at anytime in My life... My friend has and suffered depression so bad He actually RUNS a cat shelter)
Stick your hand down a pocket on a pool table
"Look, the fire brigade cannot get here for another two hours, so if it hits the wrist and makes him scream, it counts as potted" Yes, it happened to me...
Offer to setup a non-technologically advanced friends computer
And explain that a wireless network will NOT cook their brains while they sleep...
Click wildy on "FREE" porno pages online
And wonder in what realm of hell you would EVER find that a turn on (unless your Nyxie)
Get your mates to bury you in sand
Up to the head as well, then have to blow furiously to scare away the dog peeing on you and watch the inrushing tide with dread as your mates had fucked off to buy a disposable camera...
Snort wasabi
"Duuuude!!! thats just like jackass!!" and you feel like a jack ass as it burns, makes your nose run and you will never again know the scent of a woman... or anything else for that matter (a cure for Pookie's smelly feet!)
Make a joke to airport security
"Have you anything to declare?"
"Yes, My relief that the hand grenades didnt explode"
One cavity search and stern look later, your fined 250 quid for wasting time and sentenced a month later in court to 200 hours community service... twat!
Who knew that Cerberus, the hound of Hades, was actually disguised as Gladstone, the slightly portly labrador belonging to the old man down the road who stands there while your hand is being chewed to a bloody stump assuring you that "he is only playing"
Speak to Jehovah's Witnesses 'for a laugh'
"So this eternal life, would I have to spend it talking to you?"
Remove a wart yourself
Only to be told a day later in hospital as you cradle an inflamed limb, that holding a swiss army knife to a flame for ten minutes and laying the business section of the morning paper down on the table does not constitute as a 'sterile enviroment'
Interfere in a drunk couple's arguement
You being a gentleman WILL end up coming across to the guy as a pass on his girl and no matter what you say it will come out as "why dont you leave this tosser and come home with Me?" which will see you being chased across a business park by Salford's own Bonnie & Clyde. Next time, do the REALLY gentlemanly thing, stare at the table, rip up a beer mat and pretend you didnt see that woman getting a backhander...
Order a vodka martini
The suave, sophisiticated James Bond fantasy is marred by the fact that it tastes like George Best's final catheter...
Put your card behind the bar
Bankruptcy anyone?
Shooting animals with an air rifle
Until, one dead cat later, your wracked by guilt, deep depression, quit your job, become a loner, work for free at the cats shelter while building a secret shrine to the dead moggy out of sticks and your own body hair... (Note: I did not kill a cat at anytime in My life... My friend has and suffered depression so bad He actually RUNS a cat shelter)
Stick your hand down a pocket on a pool table
"Look, the fire brigade cannot get here for another two hours, so if it hits the wrist and makes him scream, it counts as potted" Yes, it happened to me...
Offer to setup a non-technologically advanced friends computer
And explain that a wireless network will NOT cook their brains while they sleep...
Click wildy on "FREE" porno pages online
And wonder in what realm of hell you would EVER find that a turn on (unless your Nyxie)
Get your mates to bury you in sand
Up to the head as well, then have to blow furiously to scare away the dog peeing on you and watch the inrushing tide with dread as your mates had fucked off to buy a disposable camera...
Snort wasabi
"Duuuude!!! thats just like jackass!!" and you feel like a jack ass as it burns, makes your nose run and you will never again know the scent of a woman... or anything else for that matter (a cure for Pookie's smelly feet!)
Make a joke to airport security
"Have you anything to declare?"
"Yes, My relief that the hand grenades didnt explode"
One cavity search and stern look later, your fined 250 quid for wasting time and sentenced a month later in court to 200 hours community service... twat!
Wednesday, 10 December 2008
Hey Iggy!!!
First off, I am so badly heterosexual... no gay comments please...
but...
Chant
Oh Iggy You're so fine,
Youre so fine you blow my mind.
Hey Iggy (Huff Huff)
Hey Iggy (Huff Huff)
Oh Iggy Youre so Fine,
Youre so Fine You Blow My Mind
Hey Iggy (Huff Huff)
Hey Iggy
(Repeat)
Verse 1
Hey Iggy
Youve been around all night
and thats a little long,
You think you've got the right,
But I think youve got it wrong.
Why can't you say goodnight
So you can take me home Iggy,
Cause when You say you will
It always means you won't
Youre givin me the chills
baby, please baby don't
Every night you still leave me alone
Iggy.
Chorus
Oh Iggy what a pity you dont understand
You take me by the heart
You take me by the hand
Oh Iggy Youre so pretty
Cant you understand?
Its guys like you Iggy
Oh what you do Iggy
Do Iggy
Dont break my heart Iggy.
Verse 2
Now When you take me by the hooves
Everyone's gonna know
Everytime you move
I let a little More show
There's Something we can use
So dont say no Iggy!
So Come on and give it to me
Anyway you can
Anyway you want to do it
Ill treat you like a man
Oh Please, Baby Please
Dont leave me in a jam Iggy!
but...
Chant
Oh Iggy You're so fine,
Youre so fine you blow my mind.
Hey Iggy (Huff Huff)
Hey Iggy (Huff Huff)
Oh Iggy Youre so Fine,
Youre so Fine You Blow My Mind
Hey Iggy (Huff Huff)
Hey Iggy
(Repeat)
Verse 1
Hey Iggy
Youve been around all night
and thats a little long,
You think you've got the right,
But I think youve got it wrong.
Why can't you say goodnight
So you can take me home Iggy,
Cause when You say you will
It always means you won't
Youre givin me the chills
baby, please baby don't
Every night you still leave me alone
Iggy.
Chorus
Oh Iggy what a pity you dont understand
You take me by the heart
You take me by the hand
Oh Iggy Youre so pretty
Cant you understand?
Its guys like you Iggy
Oh what you do Iggy
Do Iggy
Dont break my heart Iggy.
Verse 2
Now When you take me by the hooves
Everyone's gonna know
Everytime you move
I let a little More show
There's Something we can use
So dont say no Iggy!
So Come on and give it to me
Anyway you can
Anyway you want to do it
Ill treat you like a man
Oh Please, Baby Please
Dont leave me in a jam Iggy!
Monday, 17 November 2008
Drunkeness
So I went to watch an absolute genius at work last night, Lee Evans, a stand up comedian of the highest caliber...
I got semi-drunk while I was there and had to put up with dirty looks from the Missus... apparantly when I am drunk I am an embarrassment, fuck knows how, all I was doing was laughing at the show...
So with this in mind, I present, the list of things that annoy Me when drunk...
1) All straight lines are bent... only thing is, sober people can't see this, drunk people can...
2) Traffic cones are a legitimate and essential part of the drunk's dress code...
3) People look at you funnier (it may be funny, but I get funny looks already)
4) Doors and walls make really good conversationalists
5) Your keys become your worst enemy
6) Its quite sobering having to fish through the ONLY pile of something disturbingly icky on the entire road for your keys
7) Your front door has undergone a facechange, moved house and even changed its number...
8) Some really random guys in yellow jackets come and ask you questions
9) This is the only time calling yourself Mickey Mouse seems highly amusing and appropriate
10) They dont get this
11) They walk you to a strange front door
12) Your keys (your worst enemy) traitorously fit this front door
13) The door protests, quite loudly, at being opened
14) This wakes the Missus
15) You fall blissfully asleep in a heap on the stairs completely forgetting tomorrow you will be introduced to a new level of hell... the cold and frosty side where there is burnt food and unironed socks...
The Missus still loves Me just in case any of you care while your laughing at Me
I got semi-drunk while I was there and had to put up with dirty looks from the Missus... apparantly when I am drunk I am an embarrassment, fuck knows how, all I was doing was laughing at the show...
So with this in mind, I present, the list of things that annoy Me when drunk...
1) All straight lines are bent... only thing is, sober people can't see this, drunk people can...
2) Traffic cones are a legitimate and essential part of the drunk's dress code...
3) People look at you funnier (it may be funny, but I get funny looks already)
4) Doors and walls make really good conversationalists
5) Your keys become your worst enemy
6) Its quite sobering having to fish through the ONLY pile of something disturbingly icky on the entire road for your keys
7) Your front door has undergone a facechange, moved house and even changed its number...
8) Some really random guys in yellow jackets come and ask you questions
9) This is the only time calling yourself Mickey Mouse seems highly amusing and appropriate
10) They dont get this
11) They walk you to a strange front door
12) Your keys (your worst enemy) traitorously fit this front door
13) The door protests, quite loudly, at being opened
14) This wakes the Missus
15) You fall blissfully asleep in a heap on the stairs completely forgetting tomorrow you will be introduced to a new level of hell... the cold and frosty side where there is burnt food and unironed socks...
The Missus still loves Me just in case any of you care while your laughing at Me
Friday, 31 October 2008
Things I have realised - Part 1
1) Peeing with a hard-on is...well, hard...
2) Peeing into the bath with a hard-on is easy...
3) Doing 2) while acrobatically keeping yourself balanced to direct the stream at the plughole and toeing the door shut to keep the Missus out while she screams a torrent of abuse about My inability to get out the bed without waking her up is quite an achievement
4) Women dont like being woken up early
5) Not even for sex
6) Even if woken up by Me going down on her
7) Stubble rash on a Man's face is stupidly hard to explain without bursting out laughing
8) I can't get out the door in the morning without checking My hair
9) This is ridiculous
10) I have no hair to check as I went to the barber's a week ago
11) I make really good curry
12) It lets a Man or a Woman kill people with the ensuing gases
13) Being farted at while entertaining the Missus with My tongue makes her giggle
14) It makes My eyes water
15) A woman doing that to a Man is sure-fire mood-killer
Its all I can type right now... laughing too hard...
Tynian
2) Peeing into the bath with a hard-on is easy...
3) Doing 2) while acrobatically keeping yourself balanced to direct the stream at the plughole and toeing the door shut to keep the Missus out while she screams a torrent of abuse about My inability to get out the bed without waking her up is quite an achievement
4) Women dont like being woken up early
5) Not even for sex
6) Even if woken up by Me going down on her
7) Stubble rash on a Man's face is stupidly hard to explain without bursting out laughing
8) I can't get out the door in the morning without checking My hair
9) This is ridiculous
10) I have no hair to check as I went to the barber's a week ago
11) I make really good curry
12) It lets a Man or a Woman kill people with the ensuing gases
13) Being farted at while entertaining the Missus with My tongue makes her giggle
14) It makes My eyes water
15) A woman doing that to a Man is sure-fire mood-killer
Its all I can type right now... laughing too hard...
Tynian
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